How to Create Good Conversation: Part One

Written By | Sales Success | February 15th, 2011 | 24 Comments »

good conversationAlmost all successful and happy people are good conversationalists.  They have developed an ability to communicate naturally and spontaneously with almost anyone they meet.

Good conversationalists are a pleasure to be around and they are welcome wherever they go.  Learning the art and skill of good conversation can help you in virtually every human relationship, both at business and at home.

In this post, I’m going to talk about some of the things that you can do to become a more effective conversationalist. As with anything worthwhile, these ideas require practice, over and over, until they become a normal and natural part of your personality.  Once you begin putting these points into action, you will feel more confident and competent in your interactions with virtually anyone and everyone you meet.

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There are three aims and purposes of conversation.

Aim #1:

The first is the plain enjoyment and pleasure of self-expression and interaction with other people.  One of the most enjoyable things we ever do is to spend time with people we like and whose company we find stimulating and fun.  This potential pleasure is the driving force behind all of our social activities.  We like to get together with people with whom we have a lot in common and just share ideas, letting the conversation go where it will.

Aim #2:

The second aim or purpose of conversation is to get to know the other person better.  In sales, and in all kinds of business, you require prolonged exposure to another person in order to get a feel for how he or she thinks, feels and reacts.  This can’t be accomplished in a short meeting.  Many customers will have a salesperson come back several times to converse and explain his product or service.  These conversations may cover some of the same ground but their major purpose is to help the customer assess whether or not he or she wants to get involved with the salesperson and his company.

In our personal relationships, there is no substitute for extended periods of conversation in the social development of friendships and more intimate relationships.  People who get along very well together have almost invariably spent a lot of time just talking about various subjects as they come up.

Aim #3:

The third aim of conversation is to build trust and credibility between two people.  This is perhaps the most important thing we do as we proceed through life and it is only possible with the kind of continuous conversation that reveals us to each other.

Sometime ago, I was asked to present a proposal for a strategic planning session for the senior executives of a billion dollar corporation.  This presentation was to the president of the company and two of his senior executives.  When the presentation was over, the president concluded the formal meeting and suggested that he and I go for a drive.

He called for his car to be brought around to the front of the company offices.  We took the elevator down, got in the car and he had his driver take us to a large city park some miles away.  When we arrived at the park, he suggested that we get out and walk for a while.  We ended up walking for about an hour and a half, with the conversation going back and forth from business to personal life and touching on other subjects.  There was no detailed discussion of my proposal, the cost of the strategic planning session, or the logistics.  What he seemed to want more than anything else was to get an idea of my general philosophy and approach to life.

At the end of the hour and a half, as we got back into the car, he told me that he had decided to go ahead with the strategic planning session and that he would leave it to me from that moment onward.  We then drove back to the company where we parted until the strategic planning session some weeks later.  The conversation during the walk in the park had been the clincher.

Conversation Tips:

One of the very best ways to learn about another person is to spend unbroken time in their company.  I’ve found that a two or three hour car trip is one of the most revealing experiences you will ever have with another human being.  People who have gotten along well for many years working or socializing together in brief stints will often find that an extended car trip brings out elements of their personalities that they did not even know existed.

Before you enter into any serious business or personal relationship with anyone, you should spend several hours with them experiencing the ebb and flow of sustained conversation.  It’s amazing what you will learn.

Many people think that the art of good conversation is to speak in an interesting and arresting fashion, to be noted for your humor, your ability to tell stories, and your general knowledge of a variety of subjects.  Many people feel that, if they want to be better at conversation, they must become more articulate, outgoing and expressive.  They think that they must become better talkers.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  As you’ve heard many times before, we come into this world with two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that same proportion.  In conversation, this simply means that you should listen twice as much as you talk if you want to get a reputation for being an excellent conversationalist.

The art of good conversation centers very much on your ability to ask questions and to listen attentively to the answers.  You can lace the conversation with your insights, ideas and opinions, but you perfect the art and skill of conversation by perfecting the art and skill of asking good, well worded questions that not only make the conversation go in the direction you want, but it gives other people an opportunity to express themselves.

Please leave a comment on this post, and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it.  Stay tuned for Part Two, coming this week.

About Brian Tracy – Brian Tracy is recognized as the top sales training and personal success authority in the world today. He has authored more than 60 books and has produced more than 500 audio and video learning programs on sales, management, business success and personal development, including worldwide bestseller The Psychology of Achievement. Brian’s goal is to help you achieve your personal and business goals faster and easier than you ever imagined. You can follow him on google+, facebook, and twitter.

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24 Comments

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  1. Martin Gold says on July 27, 2011 at 6:03 pm:

    thanks for the post and for now it self i will start implementing these techniques and increase my sales !!!!

  2. Archan Mehta says on May 12, 2011 at 11:45 pm:

    Brian,

    This is an excellent post and thank you for your valuable contribution.

    As always, you have hit the hammer right on the head of the nail.

    Conversation is an art and only a select few have truly mastered it.

    For me, an interesting conversationalist has the following attributes:

    Listens with empathy.
    Asks questions which are relevant and appropriate.
    General knowledge.
    Voracious reader.
    Takes interest in my life without being intrusive.
    Shares hobbies and interests.
    Is non-threatening, non-confrontational and is assertive without being offensive.
    Knows when to speak and knows also when to keep quiet.
    Is tuned into social cues.
    Demonstrates an ability to be sensitive to body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.

    I also endorse the fact that is is perhaps for the better to know your client before you try to sell a product, service or even an idea.

    Taking a walk in the park is an excellent start, but also try to get to know the family over lunch or dinner, if possible.

    Otherwise, if you are in a hurry, you may be branded as a “pushy salesman” and nobody wants that sort of reputation. People tend to avoid salesman like that and they are not able to clinch any deals.

    I appreciate your timely reminder.
    Cheers.

  3. Steve from Philly says on April 29, 2011 at 12:44 pm:

    Please notify me when part 2 is available. This is a skill I want to perfect. I can see a lot of possibilities in being a great conversationalist.

  4. Bianca says on March 15, 2011 at 12:08 pm:

    This is a cool website because like if you really do not no how to talk to somebody that you like then you can try on somebody else so see if it works. If it ends up working then you can keep getting tips. And you wont have to have problems anymore with you personal relationships

  5. Ravi Koorapati says on March 14, 2011 at 12:43 pm:

    This is very good article. It is true that good conversations build good relationships.

  6. Rohit says on March 10, 2011 at 1:27 am:

    Hi Brian,

    Hope you are doing good. I have read your book Maximum Achievement and found very impressive. Thanks for writing such a book.
    I have a small question about articulation of thoughts. When speaking in public, I always struggle to articulate my thoughts in a better way. Though I think well in my mind, when I am not speaking but as soon as I speak in front of 3 or 4 people, I am not able to articulate well.

    Regards
    Rohit

  7. Doe Wnfrey says on March 9, 2011 at 7:06 pm:

    Brian,

    They say the sweetest sound to the human ear is the sound of one’s own name. Perhaps we can add “and the sound of one’s own voice”! Thank you for bringing critical things down to the lowest common denominator!

  8. Timothy says on March 3, 2011 at 5:02 am:

    I realy have learned a lot from the frase above,i at times doubt my self if wether can i make a presentation or can i keep a good conversation going with succesful educated people,. I know i have in me the ability to talk infront of people & perform wonders but i was’nt applying al the neccesary skills required to a good conversation going,…..
    From now on i am going to make sure that i practice what i’ve learned today for my future conversations

  9. Frederick Pearce says on February 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm:

    Isn’t it strange that listening and asking questions is so importqant in conversation? Conversation is about talking, but the opposite is the key to success. I have always been wary of asking questions, because I have not wanted to pry – and have been a poor conversationalist as a result. But I have solved that. I now tend to ask what the other person thinks about something. “What do you think about…” has saved many a conversation without invading anyone’s privacy.

    Great topic, Brian – Thanks for posting.

  10. Dan Black says on February 16, 2011 at 11:44 pm:

    Great points. I look forward to using some of these skills. Keep leading and serving.

    Dan
    danblackonleadership.com

  11. Lew Sauder says on February 16, 2011 at 9:02 am:

    The Dale Carnegie approch will always win you over. Asking people about themselves will allow you to learn more about them and make them walk away thinking you are a great conversationalist. Great post Brian.

  12. Daniel M. Wood says on February 15, 2011 at 11:18 pm:

    Being a good conversationalist opens doors and opportunities.

    What I think many forget though is that being a good conversationalist is first and formost about wanting to connect.

    All the techniqies in the world won’t help you if you do not want to connect with the other person.

    If you really do, listen to them, let them talk, tune into the “ME-Channel” and you will be considered a good conversationalist.

  13. Opolot Edwin says on February 15, 2011 at 10:59 pm:

    Superb diverse strategies that I feel cheated if I do not read and digest.

  14. Dipti Joshi says on February 15, 2011 at 8:40 pm:

    Wow! It was superb.. This is going to help me for my radio show today.. where I have to speak on the ‘What must i look for while choosing my life partner”
    thanks again…

  15. Idi Oumarou Ibrahim says on February 15, 2011 at 6:44 pm:

    Thank you, Dr. Brian Tracy!

  16. Geoff Little says on February 15, 2011 at 5:52 pm:

    I am appreciative of the “walk in the park” story. People are constantly, well, lying to us, and we to them, running our mouths about big ideas. What does a person’s overall *life* look like? What are their calendars full of? What kind of relationships do they explain? What are the pillars of their schedule outside of the office? These different traits shape how business life must be approached, and how much trust can be given. Show me a caring, confident, integrity-driven human being, and I’ll show you a person I’ll make a business deal with.

  17. Janah says on February 15, 2011 at 3:42 pm:

    These strageties above are making definate changes to my life!!!—Making my life well worthwhile and wonderful! They are definately worth a try.

  18. Nathan Smith says on February 15, 2011 at 1:28 pm:

    Yup, important reminder for us all!

  19. Salim Sayyid says on February 15, 2011 at 12:39 pm:

    The article was informative. Creating good conversation is so crucial in everyday life. I liked Aim 3 of this article – building trust & credibility.

  20. Bettina Viereck says on February 15, 2011 at 12:25 pm:

    Excellent as ever – I always appreciate to read it.

  21. karim alhassan says on February 15, 2011 at 11:57 am:

    this is very good and hoping to have more.keep the good work up and may God bless you.THANK YOU.

  22. ENRICO says on February 15, 2011 at 11:10 am:

    extraordinary

  23. Ifeanyi Onuoha says on February 15, 2011 at 10:52 am:

    This is a fundamental truth & a secret of higherlife.


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